In the 2008 U.S. presidential election, 56.8% of American citizens voted. That's the highest it has been since 1968, between Richard Nixon and Hubert Humphrey.
In the 2006 Congressional election, only 37.1% of the population voted.
If you feel like the government isn't working for the benefit of the average American, it's because they're not. They're working for the benefit of the average voter, which consists of just over a third of our entire population.
Something to keep in mind whenever you're passing by the ballots.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Torture Porn and Nickelodeon!
Tis the month of Halloween, which means every television station with decent ratings is airing horror flicks to be seasonal. So in honor of what has to be one of my most favorite months of the year, I figure I'd do two quick bits about horror flicks.
First is torture porn. I am decidedly not a fan. At all. I'm talking your run of the mill Saw movies, your Hostel flicks, and pretty much all the mindless derivatives thereof. Now, before I do begin my rant of why I don't like these two series in particular, let me say that not all gore movies are lost causes. I remember hearing of a movie whose name I can't recall that was an exceedingly violent gore flick. It was done by a bunch of make up artists, set designers, the kinds of people who are usually involved in making a violence look real. The actual movie was basically a demo reel, a showcasing of alternative techniques to make the screen come alive with horrible, horrible violence.
The difference between a movie like that and a movie like Saw or Hostel, to me, is that the Saw and Hostel movies are fundamentally about watching people get hurt and getting off on it. That in of itself confuses me, because a lot of times it isn't like the people even really...and I am loathe to use this word... deserve it. That is to say, the characters don't really do anything to warrant ANY punishment. The pain and suffering become a thing unto themselves, celebrated for their own sake in these movies. It sort of saddens me that people are like this. Beyond that, there really aren't any horror elements to it, it's just simple human brutality. And perhaps what perplexes me the most is that it's become a genre for something that's rather...unremarkable. It's not like human on human violence is uncommon. It happens all the time in real life, and it isn't very hard to find. The Saw movies I might give you because the Rube Goldberg death apparatuses, comedically impractical and insulting as they are, do keep things... "fresh."
The demo reel, on the other hand, has less to do with violence and suffering and more to do with workmanship. Though it may not be my ideal way to spend an afternoon, I could see the draw to watching such a movie. At the very least, the revulsion you might feel serves as a really good indicator of how well done the special effects are. And that is something that I can appreciate. It's like Crysis really, just a demonstration of what a team of dedicated experts is capable of with what they have available to them.
Oh, and before we continue, let me single out the Saw series for a moment. Lots of people seem to think that Saw was a cerebral experience and that it had a relatively engaging plot. I understand where this is coming from. The killer has a complex modus operandi, and on paper it would work very well. He is interested in forcing people into difficult situations because he wants them to appreciate their lives. Odd reason though that may be, the theoretical horror comes from the fact that he is a disinterested killer. His actions aren't personal, it's merely a selection process. That means that on some level, these "individuals" have marked themselves for the killer's games, even if they weren't aware of the terms.
In practice, however, the Saw series is only a gimmick. The first Saw movie may have remained somewhat faithful to this ideal, but the concept of "fairness" that would be essential to the modus operandi of the killer is lost completely in the sequel. Many of the characters die due to circumstances that had nothing to do with anything beyond the serial killer's desire to murder. The third movie, the last one I had the patience to watch, was a much worse offender, with several characters dying despite following the serial killer's "rules," with many gratuitous deaths playing out because of the simple fact that the Saw series isn't as smart as it wants you to think. The movies are about complicated death machines, and nothing more. The paper thin rationale behind Jigsaw is just a contrived device to keep the bodies coming in and the plot moving forward.
Let's move on to something a little lighter, shall we?
Last night I actually forced myself to sit down and watch "The Boy Who Cried Werewolf." This wasn't on anyone's radar I'm sure, but I decided to make the effort to see this one through for two reasons. One of them was Victoria Justice. The other was because I'm relatively out of touch with children's horror, which will always have a very special place in my heart. As a 90's kid, I had the distinct privilege of growing up with stuff like Goosebumps (both the books and the television show) and "Are You Afraid of the Dark," a classic program that actually had some fantastic horror in it. It basically springboarded me into my current fondness of the Twilight Zone and Tales from the Crypt. And there were also the full length movies, both animated and otherwise, that were pretty good all things considered. I wasn't a big Alvin and the Chipmunks fan, but I really liked Alvin and the Chipmunks meet the wolfman. Annoying voices aside, the music was actually pretty good. And you will never, ever, ever convince me that Scooby Doo On Zombie Island was not a fantastic movie. It was a great movie, easily better and spooker than 99 percent of the bullshit that Hollywood passes off as "horror."SERIOUSLY. It might actually be one of my favorite movies. I stopped watching the direct-to-video movies after Scooby Doo and the Witch's Ghost, which was still pretty good in my opinion. And it brought forth the existence of the Hex Girls, who were pretty rockin' all things considered. I heard they went really weird with aliens in one of them, which...doesn't bode well. Let's leave it at that.
That being said, I acknowledge that there's a lot of shit kids horror. What I was curious to see was if the generational gap that I've noted elsewhere remains true for this. I do believe 90's animation was better pound for pound than it is now. Mind you, our regular programming is vastly superior, with stuff like House and Breaking Bad and Dexter. We also have reality television to contend with, so it's hard to say who has it better. Either way, as someone who seems to have developed a new found fondness of television, I figured it was something worth investigating. I want to see more children's horror, hopefully before Halloween ends. Unlikely given my schedule, but a guy can hope. Til then, this is the only movie that really fit into my window of opportunity that I got to see. Also, Victoria Justice has motivated me to worse endeavors before. My weakness for the fairer sex is going to get me killed some day.
So, what exactly is this movie about? It centers around a single parent family consisting of a father, a teenage girl named Jordan (Victoria Justice), and a younger brother named Hunter (played by Chase Ellison...I'd be impressed if you've heard of him). The family I guess inherits an estate in Romania from an estranged uncle on their deceased mother's side, so they decide to go over and claim it. The estate ends up being a large castle which they plan to sell to pay off their home back in the states. There's some adjustment drama with Jordan, and Hunter has a blast as he's obsessed with the supernatural. In particular, the town's legendary Wolfsberg Beast draws his attention. The two kids eventually stumble upon a hidden lab in Castle Wolfsberg (the estate they inherit) and Jordan ends up dropping a vial with some liquid labeled LB 217. She ends up stepping on the glass from the vial, and that's when the horror ensues! (spoiler alert: She becomes a werewolf).
How is it as a horror film? I'm actually impressed with some of the themes they tried to tackle. They start off with some great internal conflict. Jordan's newly acquired werewolf DNA...or whatever it is, they never really explain it...brings about a lot of animalistic changes in her; making her very aggressive, physically augmenting her, and instilling in her a newfound fondness of meat (she was a vegetarian prior to wolfing out). Eventually though she makes a full on transformation and nearly attacks her brother before jumping out of the castle. This all culminates in the high point (low point?) of her transformation after she ate an entire live boar, when she expresses tells her brother she's afraid she might kill him or their father. It's interesting and curious for a kid's movie, but I guess not completely unfounded. I find it reminiscent of Gingersnaps, a horror movie which told the story of female puberty through the not-so-subtle metaphor of lycanthropy (uncontrollable urges, monthly cycles, hair in strange places, etc). TBWCW didn't quite take it that far, mind you. I detected one potential mention of puberty, and I might have been searching due to the aforementioned Gingersnaps having conditioned me into thinking that way.
Course, this sort of gets thrown out the window when the vampires show up. Yes, I know, collective groan. Apparently werewolves and vampires hate each other in TBWCW universe. I won't get into much detail. You'll be pleased to know there are no romantic elements to this conflict whatsoever, as Jordan is chasing after a Romanian butcher who is in no way supernatural. Nope, these vampires just want to plunge the earth into total darkness to rule as undead kings for all eternity. And thank the Gods. I can't stomach any more vegetarian vampire sissies. But with this conflict and resulting werewolf/vampire graveyard fight scenes, there comes the fact that the werewolves kind of lose their crazy "can't control myself!" ness and sort of become trained attack dogs. They end up taking orders from a mortal at one point. A shame, I found the first conflict much more interesting.
Beyond that, the story is relatively well told I suppose. It's no Scoobie Doo On Zombie Island, but really who is? It's fairly straight forward. The comedy is a bit lacking, though I did chuckle once or twice. Special mention goes to the horrible, horrible accents though. I get it, Romanian/Transylvanian accents can never again be done seriously. But these are just...painful. Particularly the previously mentioned Romanian butcher love interest. He sounds like some horrific blend of Romanian and Italian, heavily favoring the Italian. I feel as though he should be trying to sell me lamb-flavored gelato in some poorly thought out SNL skit. The maid isn't much better, even though she has a clear shout out to Young Frankenstein.
In the end, it's decent. It's on par with old Goosebumps if you're willing to look past a bit of rushed storytelling and a couple of idiot ball moments. If you're into kids horror, feel free to give it a whirl. It'll probably be on again some time this week. 'Tis the season after all.
First is torture porn. I am decidedly not a fan. At all. I'm talking your run of the mill Saw movies, your Hostel flicks, and pretty much all the mindless derivatives thereof. Now, before I do begin my rant of why I don't like these two series in particular, let me say that not all gore movies are lost causes. I remember hearing of a movie whose name I can't recall that was an exceedingly violent gore flick. It was done by a bunch of make up artists, set designers, the kinds of people who are usually involved in making a violence look real. The actual movie was basically a demo reel, a showcasing of alternative techniques to make the screen come alive with horrible, horrible violence.
The difference between a movie like that and a movie like Saw or Hostel, to me, is that the Saw and Hostel movies are fundamentally about watching people get hurt and getting off on it. That in of itself confuses me, because a lot of times it isn't like the people even really...and I am loathe to use this word... deserve it. That is to say, the characters don't really do anything to warrant ANY punishment. The pain and suffering become a thing unto themselves, celebrated for their own sake in these movies. It sort of saddens me that people are like this. Beyond that, there really aren't any horror elements to it, it's just simple human brutality. And perhaps what perplexes me the most is that it's become a genre for something that's rather...unremarkable. It's not like human on human violence is uncommon. It happens all the time in real life, and it isn't very hard to find. The Saw movies I might give you because the Rube Goldberg death apparatuses, comedically impractical and insulting as they are, do keep things... "fresh."
The demo reel, on the other hand, has less to do with violence and suffering and more to do with workmanship. Though it may not be my ideal way to spend an afternoon, I could see the draw to watching such a movie. At the very least, the revulsion you might feel serves as a really good indicator of how well done the special effects are. And that is something that I can appreciate. It's like Crysis really, just a demonstration of what a team of dedicated experts is capable of with what they have available to them.
Oh, and before we continue, let me single out the Saw series for a moment. Lots of people seem to think that Saw was a cerebral experience and that it had a relatively engaging plot. I understand where this is coming from. The killer has a complex modus operandi, and on paper it would work very well. He is interested in forcing people into difficult situations because he wants them to appreciate their lives. Odd reason though that may be, the theoretical horror comes from the fact that he is a disinterested killer. His actions aren't personal, it's merely a selection process. That means that on some level, these "individuals" have marked themselves for the killer's games, even if they weren't aware of the terms.
In practice, however, the Saw series is only a gimmick. The first Saw movie may have remained somewhat faithful to this ideal, but the concept of "fairness" that would be essential to the modus operandi of the killer is lost completely in the sequel. Many of the characters die due to circumstances that had nothing to do with anything beyond the serial killer's desire to murder. The third movie, the last one I had the patience to watch, was a much worse offender, with several characters dying despite following the serial killer's "rules," with many gratuitous deaths playing out because of the simple fact that the Saw series isn't as smart as it wants you to think. The movies are about complicated death machines, and nothing more. The paper thin rationale behind Jigsaw is just a contrived device to keep the bodies coming in and the plot moving forward.
Let's move on to something a little lighter, shall we?
Last night I actually forced myself to sit down and watch "The Boy Who Cried Werewolf." This wasn't on anyone's radar I'm sure, but I decided to make the effort to see this one through for two reasons. One of them was Victoria Justice. The other was because I'm relatively out of touch with children's horror, which will always have a very special place in my heart. As a 90's kid, I had the distinct privilege of growing up with stuff like Goosebumps (both the books and the television show) and "Are You Afraid of the Dark," a classic program that actually had some fantastic horror in it. It basically springboarded me into my current fondness of the Twilight Zone and Tales from the Crypt. And there were also the full length movies, both animated and otherwise, that were pretty good all things considered. I wasn't a big Alvin and the Chipmunks fan, but I really liked Alvin and the Chipmunks meet the wolfman. Annoying voices aside, the music was actually pretty good. And you will never, ever, ever convince me that Scooby Doo On Zombie Island was not a fantastic movie. It was a great movie, easily better and spooker than 99 percent of the bullshit that Hollywood passes off as "horror."SERIOUSLY. It might actually be one of my favorite movies. I stopped watching the direct-to-video movies after Scooby Doo and the Witch's Ghost, which was still pretty good in my opinion. And it brought forth the existence of the Hex Girls, who were pretty rockin' all things considered. I heard they went really weird with aliens in one of them, which...doesn't bode well. Let's leave it at that.
That being said, I acknowledge that there's a lot of shit kids horror. What I was curious to see was if the generational gap that I've noted elsewhere remains true for this. I do believe 90's animation was better pound for pound than it is now. Mind you, our regular programming is vastly superior, with stuff like House and Breaking Bad and Dexter. We also have reality television to contend with, so it's hard to say who has it better. Either way, as someone who seems to have developed a new found fondness of television, I figured it was something worth investigating. I want to see more children's horror, hopefully before Halloween ends. Unlikely given my schedule, but a guy can hope. Til then, this is the only movie that really fit into my window of opportunity that I got to see. Also, Victoria Justice has motivated me to worse endeavors before. My weakness for the fairer sex is going to get me killed some day.
So, what exactly is this movie about? It centers around a single parent family consisting of a father, a teenage girl named Jordan (Victoria Justice), and a younger brother named Hunter (played by Chase Ellison...I'd be impressed if you've heard of him). The family I guess inherits an estate in Romania from an estranged uncle on their deceased mother's side, so they decide to go over and claim it. The estate ends up being a large castle which they plan to sell to pay off their home back in the states. There's some adjustment drama with Jordan, and Hunter has a blast as he's obsessed with the supernatural. In particular, the town's legendary Wolfsberg Beast draws his attention. The two kids eventually stumble upon a hidden lab in Castle Wolfsberg (the estate they inherit) and Jordan ends up dropping a vial with some liquid labeled LB 217. She ends up stepping on the glass from the vial, and that's when the horror ensues! (spoiler alert: She becomes a werewolf).
How is it as a horror film? I'm actually impressed with some of the themes they tried to tackle. They start off with some great internal conflict. Jordan's newly acquired werewolf DNA...or whatever it is, they never really explain it...brings about a lot of animalistic changes in her; making her very aggressive, physically augmenting her, and instilling in her a newfound fondness of meat (she was a vegetarian prior to wolfing out). Eventually though she makes a full on transformation and nearly attacks her brother before jumping out of the castle. This all culminates in the high point (low point?) of her transformation after she ate an entire live boar, when she expresses tells her brother she's afraid she might kill him or their father. It's interesting and curious for a kid's movie, but I guess not completely unfounded. I find it reminiscent of Gingersnaps, a horror movie which told the story of female puberty through the not-so-subtle metaphor of lycanthropy (uncontrollable urges, monthly cycles, hair in strange places, etc). TBWCW didn't quite take it that far, mind you. I detected one potential mention of puberty, and I might have been searching due to the aforementioned Gingersnaps having conditioned me into thinking that way.
Course, this sort of gets thrown out the window when the vampires show up. Yes, I know, collective groan. Apparently werewolves and vampires hate each other in TBWCW universe. I won't get into much detail. You'll be pleased to know there are no romantic elements to this conflict whatsoever, as Jordan is chasing after a Romanian butcher who is in no way supernatural. Nope, these vampires just want to plunge the earth into total darkness to rule as undead kings for all eternity. And thank the Gods. I can't stomach any more vegetarian vampire sissies. But with this conflict and resulting werewolf/vampire graveyard fight scenes, there comes the fact that the werewolves kind of lose their crazy "can't control myself!" ness and sort of become trained attack dogs. They end up taking orders from a mortal at one point. A shame, I found the first conflict much more interesting.
Beyond that, the story is relatively well told I suppose. It's no Scoobie Doo On Zombie Island, but really who is? It's fairly straight forward. The comedy is a bit lacking, though I did chuckle once or twice. Special mention goes to the horrible, horrible accents though. I get it, Romanian/Transylvanian accents can never again be done seriously. But these are just...painful. Particularly the previously mentioned Romanian butcher love interest. He sounds like some horrific blend of Romanian and Italian, heavily favoring the Italian. I feel as though he should be trying to sell me lamb-flavored gelato in some poorly thought out SNL skit. The maid isn't much better, even though she has a clear shout out to Young Frankenstein.
In the end, it's decent. It's on par with old Goosebumps if you're willing to look past a bit of rushed storytelling and a couple of idiot ball moments. If you're into kids horror, feel free to give it a whirl. It'll probably be on again some time this week. 'Tis the season after all.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Modern Animation
Those of you who are friends with Damios on Facebook (which in all honestly is probably everyone who would read this) may have noticed that he posted the video for “A Whole New World”, from Aladdin. If you scroll down a bit, you can read a conversation between him and me, which at one point discusses the animation quality of Aladdin compared to more recent works. We also discussed time travel, THE BURNING HUMAN SPIRIT, the fact that Crowley proves that my attempts to make Omegia asexual inadvertently turned the entire setting into a gigantic mental/spiritual orgy, the fact that Omegia also is documented proof that I am a creepy pedophile, and that Jesus is David Bowie. However, you really only need to focus on the animation part.
Go ahead and watch the video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8VfN2BhJA8) or if you own a copy of the movie, just watch it instead. Pay attention to the animation. It’s GORGEOUS. Prior to watching the clip, I had assumed that a movie from the 90s wouldn’t have aged well. After all, we live in the future, with computers which can drastically reduce the amount of work needed to animate; plus, modern CGI should have improved dramatically since then. Except that’s not the case here; I watched the clip from Aladdin, a movie I watched when I was just a wee lad, and realized that its quality was superior to the majority of recent animation that isn’t PIXAR.
The oddity doesn’t just end with 90s era Disney. Look at the works of Studio Ghibli. The animation in their film Ponyo is hand drawn, but it is far, far superior to animated movies using computer technology to assist the process. True, Disney and Ghibli had larger budgets than most studios, but we’re comparing hand drawn animation to studios that presumably have the help of modern technology.
The problem isn’t just restricted to movies; many cartoons and animes have animation quality which makes me feel sad. There are only a few shows which I find visually appealing; Code Geass, Death Note, and Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei are the only series I’ve seen recently where I’ve said to myself, “Damn that’s pretty” while watching. Part of it is a slight, personal problem I have with modern anime style: everything is so damn shiny and colorful. Even Code Geass has this, with bright primary colors thrown all over the screen every scene. It’s like they think we have the attention spans of children, and need the rainbow effects to keep us entertained. Death Note avoids this with a more subdued, realistic color scheme, but everything is still so bloody shiny looking.
Maybe I’m just ranting. In fact, I definitely am. I’m not an animator; I have no experience with the process it takes to make a cartoon. But when I look at modern work, I expect it to be higher quality than works that lacked modern technology. If it doesn’t, what’s the point of having all that expensive stuff in the first place?
Go ahead and watch the video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8VfN2BhJA8) or if you own a copy of the movie, just watch it instead. Pay attention to the animation. It’s GORGEOUS. Prior to watching the clip, I had assumed that a movie from the 90s wouldn’t have aged well. After all, we live in the future, with computers which can drastically reduce the amount of work needed to animate; plus, modern CGI should have improved dramatically since then. Except that’s not the case here; I watched the clip from Aladdin, a movie I watched when I was just a wee lad, and realized that its quality was superior to the majority of recent animation that isn’t PIXAR.
The oddity doesn’t just end with 90s era Disney. Look at the works of Studio Ghibli. The animation in their film Ponyo is hand drawn, but it is far, far superior to animated movies using computer technology to assist the process. True, Disney and Ghibli had larger budgets than most studios, but we’re comparing hand drawn animation to studios that presumably have the help of modern technology.
The problem isn’t just restricted to movies; many cartoons and animes have animation quality which makes me feel sad. There are only a few shows which I find visually appealing; Code Geass, Death Note, and Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei are the only series I’ve seen recently where I’ve said to myself, “Damn that’s pretty” while watching. Part of it is a slight, personal problem I have with modern anime style: everything is so damn shiny and colorful. Even Code Geass has this, with bright primary colors thrown all over the screen every scene. It’s like they think we have the attention spans of children, and need the rainbow effects to keep us entertained. Death Note avoids this with a more subdued, realistic color scheme, but everything is still so bloody shiny looking.
Maybe I’m just ranting. In fact, I definitely am. I’m not an animator; I have no experience with the process it takes to make a cartoon. But when I look at modern work, I expect it to be higher quality than works that lacked modern technology. If it doesn’t, what’s the point of having all that expensive stuff in the first place?
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Video Game News!
I had a serious post lined up about Glenn Beck's Washington rally, but then homework happened. I'm at work now, so I figured I'd just post some recent news in the world of video games.
Vanquish demo is out for XBL and PSN. Played it a bit last night, and it's actually even more fun than I'd anticipated. High speed, loads of adrenaline, craziness abounds. Highly recommended.
Kotaku got their hands on the "Playstation Move" and some games prior to it's September 19th release date. Seems that they are rather impressed with it, but I wonder how much of that is genuine "I'm-impressed-ness." Not that I'd suggest Kotaku is being paid off by Sony or anything, but having strongly negative opinions about a system that's going to be here for a while does have consequences. When you're gonna be reviewing games and whatnot for this system for that long, you can't really just say "Move sucks" and then convince everyone your reviews aren't affected by that. Just the same, most Kotaku writers seem to feel that the constant calibration is a concern.
http://kotaku.com/5626492/playstation-move-review-the-motion-controller-wars-start-now
http://kotaku.com/5626491/what-we-loved-what-we-hated-about-the-playstation-move
http://kotaku.com/5626491/what-we-loved-what-we-hated-about-the-playstation-move
Me, personally, I won't be getting it. I share Yahtzee's sentiment that without tactile feedback most motion control games won't feel natural or intuitive. While there are some genuinely innovative design implementations possible (usually of the painting and brush stroke variety a la "Okami," or possibly paint brush mechanics in Epic Mickey), they don't seem to show up often enough to warrant (in my opinion) the purchase of a motion control system. Course, Move still beats Kinect no matter what. I mean seriously...what exactly is the point? So I can play imaginary full body soccer in my living room? Why not actually go out and play soccer? At what point is technology like this "innovative," and what point is it "a substitute for having no friends?" And yes, this is totally coming from the guy who has no friends whatsoever at college. Feel the judgment.
But I can't give Kotaku all the credit for early reviews. IGN posted a review as well. While I'm not the biggest fan of IGN (A perfect 10 for GTA IV? Seriously?), it's good to have different opinions. They seem to think the motion controls are solid, but the software is pretty weak. Really? Shovelware? In MY Playstation Move? What nonsense is this!?
Also, Tank MMO. As in, an MMO where you play as a tank. Because...why not.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Online Arguments: Serious Business
http://kotaku.com/5621295/
Oh, you silly humans and your "Hunting down and attacking a man who insulted you while playing Halo." (And yes, I know that it was a PS3 game they were playing, and therefore could not be Halo. Quiet down with your facts).
Oh, you silly humans and your "Hunting down and attacking a man who insulted you while playing Halo." (And yes, I know that it was a PS3 game they were playing, and therefore could not be Halo. Quiet down with your facts).
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Predators
After the horror that was Damios’s post, I feel that we need something to repair our brains. You can start by listening to this.
Now to continue the therapy, by talking about something very unlike Ms. Glitter Demon. That is, “Predators”, by Robert Rodriguez. The film, released last month (Yes, I’m a bit behind the times. Shut up.) was made as a sequel/spiritual successor to the original “Predator” film, with the intention of taking it back to its roots.
I should warn you now, I have never seen the original Predator. A horrible crime, I know, especially when I’ve seen most of Ahnold’s other famous movies. I am familiar with most of the memes that spawned from the film, but apart from that, this review will be from the eyes of someone new to the franchise.
The premise of the film is simple. Six of the world’s best killers (and a doctor), ranging from Spetsnaz to Yakuza (why does spellcheck hate Spetsnaz, but not Yakuza?), are dropped onto an alien planet, where they are hunted as game by three aliens. No time is wasted in establishing this premise either; film starts, people are dropped out of the sky onto the planet, everyone gets together, and we get into the action.
“Predators” does exactly what it tells you it’s going to do, and no more: Provide 1 hour 47 minutes of human versus Predator action in an alien jungle, filled to the brim with action and testosterone. There’s nothing else going for it; the plot is simple, the characters are flat, and there’s no message the director is trying to give us. But that type of manly awesomeness is what the Predator franchise does best, and “Predators” is very, very good at it. There’s no mystery for the audience when we walk into the theater. We know exactly what’s going on when all the characters find themselves on the planet, even if they themselves don’t know. Even people like me, who haven’t seen the original films, are so familiar with the concept that we don’t need anything to be told to us. The film knows this, and works with it amazingly. It’s as though Transformers had just compressed everything with the human characters and their silly human stories into 10 minutes, and then had spent the rest of the film in a huge battle between the Autobots and Decepticons. It’s nothing but cheap action and suspense, but it’s good cheap action and suspense.
And here I need mention Hanzo. Hanzo, played by Louis Ozawa Changchien, is a Yakuza enforcer. He singlehandedly outbadasses every other character in the group. I now feel that Damios’s talks about how amazing the Yakuza are how now been justified, as from the moment he steps down onto the planet, in his clean, white suit, every action he does is filled with awesome. This is despite the fact that he has among the fewest speaking lines out of every other character (which really only adds to his badassness). And towards the end of the film, he succeeds in outdoing every other character from the Predator franchise by (spoilers ahead) fighting and defeating a Predator in single combat WITH A KATANA. Yes. A katana. No traps, no tricks, no camouflage, he stands out in a field, waits for the Predator to come, and then fights it. With a katana. I feel that has to be reemphasized.
“Predators” is nothing but action oriented fun; that’s all it succeeds at being, and that’s all it tries to be. There is absolutely no reason at all to go and see it unless you want over an hour and a half of violence and testosterone, but if that’s what you want to see, hell yeah go and watch it. And then bask in the manliness that flows outward from the screen, as you chop down a tree and eat a shattered glass and rusty nails sandwich.
And I never thought I would describe a movie with Adrien Brody in the lead role as manly….
Now to continue the therapy, by talking about something very unlike Ms. Glitter Demon. That is, “Predators”, by Robert Rodriguez. The film, released last month (Yes, I’m a bit behind the times. Shut up.) was made as a sequel/spiritual successor to the original “Predator” film, with the intention of taking it back to its roots.
I should warn you now, I have never seen the original Predator. A horrible crime, I know, especially when I’ve seen most of Ahnold’s other famous movies. I am familiar with most of the memes that spawned from the film, but apart from that, this review will be from the eyes of someone new to the franchise.
The premise of the film is simple. Six of the world’s best killers (and a doctor), ranging from Spetsnaz to Yakuza (why does spellcheck hate Spetsnaz, but not Yakuza?), are dropped onto an alien planet, where they are hunted as game by three aliens. No time is wasted in establishing this premise either; film starts, people are dropped out of the sky onto the planet, everyone gets together, and we get into the action.
“Predators” does exactly what it tells you it’s going to do, and no more: Provide 1 hour 47 minutes of human versus Predator action in an alien jungle, filled to the brim with action and testosterone. There’s nothing else going for it; the plot is simple, the characters are flat, and there’s no message the director is trying to give us. But that type of manly awesomeness is what the Predator franchise does best, and “Predators” is very, very good at it. There’s no mystery for the audience when we walk into the theater. We know exactly what’s going on when all the characters find themselves on the planet, even if they themselves don’t know. Even people like me, who haven’t seen the original films, are so familiar with the concept that we don’t need anything to be told to us. The film knows this, and works with it amazingly. It’s as though Transformers had just compressed everything with the human characters and their silly human stories into 10 minutes, and then had spent the rest of the film in a huge battle between the Autobots and Decepticons. It’s nothing but cheap action and suspense, but it’s good cheap action and suspense.
And here I need mention Hanzo. Hanzo, played by Louis Ozawa Changchien, is a Yakuza enforcer. He singlehandedly outbadasses every other character in the group. I now feel that Damios’s talks about how amazing the Yakuza are how now been justified, as from the moment he steps down onto the planet, in his clean, white suit, every action he does is filled with awesome. This is despite the fact that he has among the fewest speaking lines out of every other character (which really only adds to his badassness). And towards the end of the film, he succeeds in outdoing every other character from the Predator franchise by (spoilers ahead) fighting and defeating a Predator in single combat WITH A KATANA. Yes. A katana. No traps, no tricks, no camouflage, he stands out in a field, waits for the Predator to come, and then fights it. With a katana. I feel that has to be reemphasized.
“Predators” is nothing but action oriented fun; that’s all it succeeds at being, and that’s all it tries to be. There is absolutely no reason at all to go and see it unless you want over an hour and a half of violence and testosterone, but if that’s what you want to see, hell yeah go and watch it. And then bask in the manliness that flows outward from the screen, as you chop down a tree and eat a shattered glass and rusty nails sandwich.
And I never thought I would describe a movie with Adrien Brody in the lead role as manly….
Saturday, August 21, 2010
The Death and Post-Mortum Rape of Music
I consider myself a fairly decent music reviewer. Yes, I have very particular musical tastes, and I make them well known. But even with genres I don't like, I can appreciate music for what it is. For example, I greatly dislike pop, but I can respect Lady Gaga for writing her own music rather than having it written by the Matrix like everyone else in mainstream music does nowadays. And I don't even mind all that much if someone else writes your music as long as everyone accepts the real intent behind it. I don't hold it against performers like Miranda Cosgrove, or even the dreaded Miley Ray Cyrus, because it's a big marketing tie-in by the television networks. This is fine. It's to be expected, it's a way to make money, and it's a way to have little kids get more involved in their programming. I don't take it seriously and I move on, like most people eventually do. I like to remind those who think real music is dying that fads come and go like they have since the music industry became huge. Let's face it folks, if you don't think that the 70's and 80's had shitty music, you're blinded by nostalgia. And that, too, is fine! I've embraced it! Look, my favorite incredibly shitty 80's synth pop song of all time is a living drug PSA! I can't recommend that song enough, for the record. So I always said what I've always said about mainstream music, that contrary to popular belief it's not getting any worse.
Today, I just ate my fucking words. I watched Ke$ha's latest music video.
To preface this as a form of self defense, I got to the video in a cracked.com article. I read it not knowing at all who Ke$ha was prior to reading the article. Never even heard the name. Read through it all in a manner of minutes. The complaints in the article about the lyrics and autotune were so par-for-the-course that it just kind of left me unimpressed. "WOW, you mean a pop star used gratuitous AUTOTUNE?! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY!" At the bottom of the article was a link to a music video of hers, so I figured I'd click it and give it a whirl. I expected it to sound exactly like Britney Spears, or Miranda Cosgrove, or Miley Cyrus, or Victoria Justice, or whoever else is big nowadays.
Please don't watch this. If you must watch, wait until the end of the article. I feel I am legally obligated to provide a link to the video I watched. But I can't stress this enough, don't click the video.
If you watched it against my warnings, then you might as well stop reading now because you know. You understand. You realize what's so...just...wrong about this...soundscape and you don't need another couple of paragraphs reminding you of the trauma you just witnessed. In fact, I'm begging you to turn away from this post and just go ahead and enter the shower to wash away the shame. Reading a whole blog post about what you just had to endure is comparable to forcing a rape victim to watch the video of her experience. And to those of you who wisely chose not to watch the video and read this paragraph, YES IT REALLY IS THAT BAD!
I really wanna single out the autotune for starters. I know earlier I said every pop star and their little brother uses it, but I never thought I'd see the day when someone's singing would be so bad that even fucking autotune couldn't mutilate it into something passable and not offensive to the human ear. I liken autotune to a miraculous device that can squeeze clean, drinkable water out of animal droppings. And yet somehow this would-be-diva's bullshit is so toxic and foul that no matter how hard you try and wring something worth enjoying out of it, you can't. I'm serious. I really can't even put into words what her voice sounds like, because no one on earth has ever failed this spectacularly at making music with a full multi-million dollar production team behind them, so I have no point of comparison. If robots could have sex, Ke$ha's voice on autotune would sound like one crying rape. In fact, that's almost a perfect way to describe her voice. Imagine an entire song being sung by the female version of Robocop. No, seriously! If you make the mistake of going back to listen, please tell me how "Female Robocop" is not the best way to describe her autotune. And I don't mean the first 10 seconds of the video that is distorted, I mean her actual...ick, I'm hesitant to call it singing...
Oh, and then there's the music itself. Remember that song little kids used to sing on the playground, the "There's a place in France" tune? Yep, she basically turned the beat from that into a fully-fledged song. That's not just lazy, that's spectacular. That's not simply "not trying," that's trying extra hard core at "not trying." It's like she thought to herself "Hey, how can I show the musical world that I couldn't give less of a fuck about it's integrity? Oh, I know! I'll do dirty children's tunes!" Is it seriously that fucking hard to have someone write a few new original riffs?
And don't even get me started on the fucking lyrics. "Dirty version of kids tunes" doesn't just cover sound. The Chorus? "There's a place downtown where the freaks all come around. It's a hole in the wall, it's a dirty free for all." And then, "There's a place I know if you're lookin' for a show...where they go hard core, and there's glitter on the floor!" Yep. Let that sink in. She must mean "hard core" in the porno sense of the term, because when I think of hard core shows, my mind goes back to the shows I went to that I considered "hard core." There wasn't glitter on the floor, there was blood, and lots of it. There weren't strobe lights, there were torches. And afterwards I didn't smell like sex, I smelled like cigarettes, vomit, and dead animals. Then again, I imagine the outcome of a Ke$ha concert would smell very similar to that if you're standing in the front row.
It will take three days of scrubbing to remove the smell of dead fish from your clothes.
Then there's the actual video. It starts off with a really boring clip of her running around, hopping over cars with her friends for no apparent reason...in fact, that part was kind of funny. I'm not sure why her friends walk to the car, jump ontop of it, walk across the hood, and then jump off and continue walking. It's the only car in the fucking parking lot, and yet they singled it out as their own personal area rug. Is it even theirs? If that bitch got anywhere near my car, much less stand on top of it for kicks, her sorry ass would be chained to the back getting dragged at 120 miles her hour while I'm blaring real fucking music through the speakers. But I digress. Stupid as that bit is, it's not really noteworthy. Nor is the gigantic free-for-all tag game that takes place in the entire upper lot of the hotel. Again, I'm forced to wonder what the point is. Aren't there other places to play tag, where you're less likely to piss off someone who is likely just trying to get some sleep? I'd write something about what I'd do to her if she woke me up in the middle of the night at a hotel with a game of tag, but I've already included a car dragging murder scene. I feel if I wrote a violent threat every time she did something stupid then this whole piece would just devolve into a gory murder fantasy.
Regardless, if you get past that and the part where they throw trashcans around (those horny rebels), you get to the pool scene. This is where everyone starts ripping off eachother's clothes in a haphazard fashion. Then, all of the sudden, tension! A young man and a young woman eye eachother from across the pool...no sorry, same side of the pool...with intense animal passion! Unable to restrain their physical urges, they run towards each other to meet, and as they leap into the air to embrace, they explode in a gigantic poof of pink and blue sand!...yes, you read correctly. They explode upon contact into tons of gender-color-coded sand. Yes, to YOU it may seem non-sensical, but to the mind of a lyrical genius like Ke$ha, whose entire song amounts to a naughty little kids version of a naughty little kid's song, the multi-colored explosion has deep symbological meaning! In this case...yeah. Sex. I get it, two people of opposite gender bump into eachother and you get sex. There have been stupider metaphors for orgasm before. I get that. So we'll just pan to the next scene, where for some unexplained reason Ke$ha is covered in pink and blue sand...wait. Wait. Didn't we just establish that the sand explosion was a metaphor for sexual climax? So if your face is covered in it then...what the Hell? Is that something to be proud of? Fuck, I'm starting to think I've put too much thought into this. Ok, maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's not a metaphor. Maybe she never figured out what a metaphor is. But if that's the case, we are only left with a literal interpretation of the previous scene,which would indicate that the sand is just what used to be that one guy and that one chick. So which is it Ke$ha? Is your face and hair caked with sexual fluids, or the crushed remains of your now dead friends?
And then it gets better! The sand is EVERYWHERE! It coats the walls of the pool, the floor, other people...Not only am I not sure why everyone is dancing in it and slathering themselves in it (a disturbing thought given I still don't know what the fuck that stuff is), but I don't know where the Hell it's coming from. From what I've seen, the only place it comes from is head on collisions between members of the opposite sex. Are people dying off screen to provide you with sex juice/decomposed bodies for your own amusement? Camera pans to Ke$ha, who know has less colored sand on her face for no explainable reason, and then to a disturbing scene where out of a pile of sand on the ground merges and reforms the two lovers from the first scene. Holy fuck! Is this necromancy or did the giant mixture of toxic splooge create some type of primordial ooze from which these invertebrate life-forms spawned? I don't know whether I'm watching the end of the world or the origin of life according to Ke$ha. Either way this shit is more fucked up than anything I've read in the Bible, and God ordered the Isrealites to smash the heads of Babylonian babies in with rocks. Which, according to the Transitive property, means watching Ke$ha is more fucked up than cracking open a baby's skull.
Course, I seem to be the only person disturbed by this Caligula-esque display of hotel pool orgy fun. Everyone is throwing the sand at everyone else, sprinkling it around themselves, at some point the sand becomes glitter which I don't even question...she dons on some random fur coat while everyone else is gorging themselves in the pool, only to immediately take it off. I'd make a snarky comment, but my head is still wrapped around the mystery sand. But then, suddenly, we are given an answer! A young man standing outside the pool reaches in and grabs a young girl who desperately wants to escape this Hellish carnal nightmare, when all of the sudden she rips his arm from him and blue sand pours out of the stump where his hand used to be! YES! YES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE THE ANSWER! Ke$ha MYSTERY SAND IS PEOPLE! Rest easy that Ke$ha doesn't party in vats of semen, but in tubs filled with dead bodies! This discovery almost made me miss the part where a young man dancing gradually has his limbs randomly turn into sand...which is kind of disturbing. I guess he tore his own hands off in some drug-fueled revelry, but whatever!
Though, this does leave the question of what the glitter was. If dead bodies made the sand, what made the glitter? Well, Ke$ha is never one to leave her...audience...unsatisfied, so she did indeed decide to bare all and show us just what the source of her special glitter is. She reaches into her chest to a zipper...a zipper attached to her flesh, which she begins to unzip down. And as she does, glitter pours out of her chest wound, and her arms gradually dissolve away into even more glitter. But...but...I thought dead human bodies made sand? Or...wait...are you trying to tell me that Ke$ha isn't HUMAN? Yes! That must be it! It all makes sense now! So the glitter is the remains of Ke$ha's rapidly deteriorating non-human body! The same glitter that she insisted covered the floor of all her hard core shows...holy fuck, she was describing her own decaying body!
But why, why bathe in the dead bodies of humans? It's a very rare practice that wasn't often done even as far back as history. The only time I can specifically think of is the great Countess Elizabeth Bathory who would bathe in the blood of virgins to stop her body from aging. And that doesn't make sense within the context of that legend. For one thing, the people in that pool definitely weren't virgins, as they were kind of in a gigantic orgy, and for another Ke$ha still dissipated away...wait. No. No. It all makes sense. She dissipated because they all lost their virgin status in the pool! Ke$ha is Elizabeth Bathory! Then...at the beginning...that wasn't a game of tag they were playing at all! THEY WERE KNOCKING ON THE DOORS OF THE ABANDONED HOTEL IN A DESPERATE SEARCH FOR HELP AGAINST ELIZABETH BATHORY! And so they must have resigned themselves to their fate at the end and decided to deny her her feast and destroy her once and for all by engaging in a massive orgy to deny her sustenance! IT ALL MAKES SENSE! Ke$ha IS COUNTESS BATHORY, AND SHE IS NO MORE! Countess Bathory is dead! Long live Countess Bathory!
Or maybe I'm giving her too much credit. Maybe, just maybe, she's a shitty and talentless pop star who has an unhealthy and rather childish obsession with glitter and bright colors.
Yeah. I'll go with that.
Anywho, I realize a lot of this sounded like a bad attempt at humor, and my description of the actual music segued into a ridiculous story about Ke$ha being a many times over dead Hungarian Countess. But I wasn't trying to sound funny. It's really just awful. It was mostly my bitterness pouring out over how little I like her, because it's like no one even tried to make this sound good, and yet it's selling like fucking hot cakes. I truly do not understand anything about her fame and how she came to be who and what she is. If you don't believe me and you're fine with the distinct possibility of never being able to enjoy music ever again, by all means go back up to the top and try out the video. You'll totally regret it.
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