Predators

After the horror that was Damios’s post, I feel that we need something to repair our brains. You can start by listening to this.

Now to continue the therapy, by talking about something very unlike Ms. Glitter Demon. That is, “Predators”, by Robert Rodriguez. The film, released last month (Yes, I’m a bit behind the times. Shut up.) was made as a sequel/spiritual successor to the original “Predator” film, with the intention of taking it back to its roots.

I should warn you now, I have never seen the original Predator. A horrible crime, I know, especially when I’ve seen most of Ahnold’s other famous movies. I am familiar with most of the memes that spawned from the film, but apart from that, this review will be from the eyes of someone new to the franchise.

The premise of the film is simple. Six of the world’s best killers (and a doctor), ranging from Spetsnaz to Yakuza (why does spellcheck hate Spetsnaz, but not Yakuza?), are dropped onto an alien planet, where they are hunted as game by three aliens. No time is wasted in establishing this premise either; film starts, people are dropped out of the sky onto the planet, everyone gets together, and we get into the action.

“Predators” does exactly what it tells you it’s going to do, and no more: Provide 1 hour 47 minutes of human versus Predator action in an alien jungle, filled to the brim with action and testosterone. There’s nothing else going for it; the plot is simple, the characters are flat, and there’s no message the director is trying to give us. But that type of manly awesomeness is what the Predator franchise does best, and “Predators” is very, very good at it. There’s no mystery for the audience when we walk into the theater. We know exactly what’s going on when all the characters find themselves on the planet, even if they themselves don’t know. Even people like me, who haven’t seen the original films, are so familiar with the concept that we don’t need anything to be told to us. The film knows this, and works with it amazingly. It’s as though Transformers had just compressed everything with the human characters and their silly human stories into 10 minutes, and then had spent the rest of the film in a huge battle between the Autobots and Decepticons. It’s nothing but cheap action and suspense, but it’s good cheap action and suspense.

And here I need mention Hanzo. Hanzo, played by Louis Ozawa Changchien, is a Yakuza enforcer. He singlehandedly outbadasses every other character in the group. I now feel that Damios’s talks about how amazing the Yakuza are how now been justified, as from the moment he steps down onto the planet, in his clean, white suit, every action he does is filled with awesome. This is despite the fact that he has among the fewest speaking lines out of every other character (which really only adds to his badassness). And towards the end of the film, he succeeds in outdoing every other character from the Predator franchise by (spoilers ahead) fighting and defeating a Predator in single combat WITH A KATANA. Yes. A katana. No traps, no tricks, no camouflage, he stands out in a field, waits for the Predator to come, and then fights it. With a katana. I feel that has to be reemphasized.


“Predators” is nothing but action oriented fun; that’s all it succeeds at being, and that’s all it tries to be. There is absolutely no reason at all to go and see it unless you want over an hour and a half of violence and testosterone, but if that’s what you want to see, hell yeah go and watch it. And then bask in the manliness that flows outward from the screen, as you chop down a tree and eat a shattered glass and rusty nails sandwich.

And I never thought I would describe a movie with Adrien Brody in the lead role as manly….